Wednesday, December 31, 2008

undefined.

Something went really wrong,and I don't know what it is. You ever get that nervous feeling when you dont know what to do anymore, and you don't even know why you're so finicky?  probly no... but i get this way sumtimes... its like, there's sumplace i might need to be, sum1 i'd wanna talk to, sumthing ive forgotten to do, sumthing i shouldn't have done, aaaaaaahhhh , feel like screaming,  but I don't know what,or who,or why or where or how . 
Its just this half-baked sort of feeling, u know.... a sense of incompleteness..... i mean, i know everything's going well with me right now....  but there's something that I can't put my finger on, that's bugging me. Like I just updated in my fcbook status (I have no fucking idea why I bother to do it), i sumhow can't sleep aaj... maybe its tomorrow's anxiety.. probly it is. I just can't sleep, and its doing all sorts of things to my head... i feel so fidgety... i dont wanna lie down,i dont wanna sit up, i dont wanna turn on the lights,i dont wanna be in the dark....  
what the fuck man, why do i have these tiny bouts of uncertainity? 

I think i'm a guy defined or rather undefined by my moods....  everything, absolutely every bloody thing for me depends on my mood...subconsciously or not. my music, my reading, my watching tv, the kind of food i eat, the way i behave ..... and now i'm wondering whether or not to put this write-up on the blog, u know, so people don't think i'm crazy...
doesn't matter though... just a handful read this freaking blog anyway...and they know me well. or so they would think.

i'm no social scientist, and i'm not even sure if that's a valid job, maybe just a make-belief one.... but i was once thinking about this thing, and i figured i should note it down..
people are unhappy. they just are. they always will be. they are bloody unsatisfied too, always yearning for more, for sumthing else, for that greener grass.  have you ever stopped and wondered why? well, being at the crossroads of life that i am, i'm like the stationary milestone who's watching everyone else rush past,absorbed in their own unimportant lives... 
anyhow, the point is... unhappyness is caused by dissatisfaction. It may be from anything.. dissatisfaction is caused by envy. yup, u heard me ENVY . everyone, atleast the mortals, ( laugh, ppl) are envious of something... their neighbours' bigger car, their friends' glam lifestyle, their boss' hot wife ... u get my point, don't you.  
Now don't get me wrong.... its perfectly natural..and true..for everyone of us...and it is this envy, that makes us do what we do. There is always a point or a position in life that we strive to achieve.... its upto us though, the way we do it.
There are two basic approaches to deal with this yearning...

First, you let the envy get hold of you, to the extent of making you unhappy, so you actively work towards your goal. 
Second, you get unhappy, you stay unhappy ... then you make up your mind that ure never gonna achieve that position anyway, and might as well be happy with the bird in hand. THIS, my friend, should finally push you into a state of stability ( if you're an optimist) or Stagnancy( if you think like a pessimist) ....and thus, you will stop trying to struggle, and force yourself to be happy.

Which one is the better path, i find myself thinking... should i continue to be unhappy, and keep struggling to get there? or should i just be happy and chill?  will it make me stable? or will it push me towards stagnancy?
Think about what you wanna do. Of course, for most of us the choice of the approach is inbuilt. as in its in ur genes, if ur a fighter, or if ur a content individual. A subconscious choice, rather. However, if you're one of the few people who can make an effort and choose, then go ahead . Wish you all the love and luck.

I think i need some love and luck too, while i'm talking about it. 
Did i ever tell you ( the "you" being the hypothetical creatures who read this) that i write to vent out? see, i was so unknowingly disturbed just a few minutes ago, and now i feel much more peaceful.... sleep's starting to set in too... I better say bye now... another day, another thought.
I really hope i have a good time tomorrow. 

mwah, love u mohit (self-support)
shut up, i don't mean it the kinky way!

Monday, December 8, 2008

quickie

[drum roll] .........
[running onto the stage]...
"Hulloooo all you lovely people ... a very good evening to all . Doing well, i hope..no? aah, not a problem, cuz THIS right here is your dose of .....[sound fading away]
aaaah, ive never really said that on stage u know, and somehow I really feel like doing it now!
the times I've been a compere were mostly judged ones... so generally it'd be "good evening bla bla bla..judges"  ... crap.
and i dont even know if there'll be a next time cuz college ended :(   ... mebbe sumwhere, sumtime...

"Aight" so here's the deal...  ive been doing nothing with myself... u heard me right, nothing!!
yeah sure, i'm learning java, I go to the gym(refer to previous entry) ...but that's just 4 freakin hours a day!  and to top it all, i've decided to watch 1 movie a day(some1 has to watch em, right, the poor ppl spend so much money on making em...might as well help out someone )
n the worst part is... i love it!
yup... i'm loving the chilling out feel ....there's this ..umm...tinge, to getting to know yourself better like this..i dunno, u wont understand probly, n i dont expect u to either.
but who cares, i'm having fun! 

however, there's a huuge downside to being idle...  see, when ur working, the only time you get to spend your dough is weekends.  However, when everyday's a weekend, then you have a problem! I definitely feel I'm bad with managing my money......  there it is guys, I said it aloud. 
I can't help it but, I love to spend !
but hey, everyone's allowed to have 1 weakness, right?  ;)
cheers to that!

Friday, December 5, 2008

berozgaar

probly u wudve guessed from the title.. i left my job!!! i dunno , but it feels both wierd and relieving at the same time..... wierd cuz all of a sudden, i have nothing to do, and relieving coz i have nothing to do! after 3 months of slogging my ass out there, i finally have some 'me' time again :D

To start off, i kinda wanted to make a list of the stuff i want (want being the keyword, doesnt necessarily mean that i actually do them) to do... lets see now.... i definitely want to catch up with some reading. I'd bought a couple of bestsellers last month, but just havn't had the time to sit down with 'em ..that time has come.
next in line is the gym. Somehow, all this while i hven't been able to persue the 'path to fitness' in continuation.. something or the other always comes up... lets hope this time's the one.
oh, i also reeeally want to get a tattoo.. i've wanted one for so long now...
Alex n I , who're both without a job aajkal, were thing of going to goa again for a bit... just the experience of the place is amaazing.... last time we guys were there, it was like magic... there's just no place like it..i'm sure those who'v been there will agree..

The events in mumbai last week were immensely depressing for all of us.. and i thought i must mention it... How dare they do such a thing? Do they fucking wanna start the crusades again? I dont't think extremism is going to help their cause, or any cause, for that matter.... Its like a chain reaction u know, an eye for an eye, and then more sightless people...and the crowd begins to grow. I pray to God to give the misguided a sense of direction .. I feel sad for the innocent targets and their families, and i pray for strength to them... It angers me, u know... to think how man is his own greatest enemy. Power and firearms in the wrong hands, and a twisted mind are just dangerous. I hope the global community unites its strengths for the cause of the people. Its always been true hasn't it, throughout civilisation...man has simply never been united. There have always been separate lands, different fiefdoms, my kingdom, your country.... and if people are dying of hunger in somalia, we do empathise, but we still need to have the annual tomato throwing festival , we still have to build lifesize displays made of oranges , we still need to throw away excess corn into the seas cuz there's simply so much, even after consumption , cattlefeed, corn festivals, export... no, why would we simply give it to them? .. something I can't understand. Even if not government-aly, atleast humanitarian-ly, NGO's can act as the SPM and allow this osmosis, from the excess to the deficient, possibly yes?

Coming to lighter topics, I was watching TV and this comedy show comes along...as is the TRP trend aajkal.... have any of you ever noticed how explicitly indecent the jokes are?? Barring a couple of performers, most just visibly try so hard to instill genitalia into their acts... is that like a sureshot way to the audience's applause? I mean sure, a few times, who cares, but EVERY damn line is like this over-tried attempt. But i just shrug and change the channel anyway...