undefined.

Something went really wrong,and I don't know what it is. You ever get that nervous feeling when you dont know what to do anymore, and you don't even know why you're so finicky?  probly no... but i get this way sumtimes... its like, there's sumplace i might need to be, sum1 i'd wanna talk to, sumthing ive forgotten to do, sumthing i shouldn't have done, aaaaaaahhhh , feel like screaming,  but I don't know what,or who,or why or where or how . 

Its just this half-baked sort of feeling, u know.... a sense of incompleteness..... i mean, i know everything's going well with me right now....  but there's something that I can't put my finger on, that's bugging me. Like I just updated in my fcbook status (I have no fucking idea why I bother to do it), i sumhow can't sleep aaj... maybe its tomorrow's anxiety.. probly it is. I just can't sleep, and its doing all sorts of things to my head... i feel so fidgety... i dont wanna lie down,i dont wanna sit up, i dont wanna turn on the lights,i dont wanna be in the dark....  

what the fuck man, why do i have these tiny bouts of uncertainity? 

I think i'm a guy defined or rather undefined by my moods....  everything, absolutely every bloody thing for me depends on my mood...subconsciously or not. my music, my reading, my watching tv, the kind of food i eat, the way i behave ..... and now i'm wondering whether or not to put this write-up on the blog, u know, so people don't think i'm crazy...

doesn't matter though... just a handful read this freaking blog anyway...and they know me well. or so they would think.

i'm no social scientist, and i'm not even sure if that's a valid job, maybe just a make-belief one.... but i was once thinking about this thing, and i figured i should note it down..

people are unhappy. they just are. they always will be. they are bloody unsatisfied too, always yearning for more, for sumthing else, for that greener grass.  have you ever stopped and wondered why? well, being at the crossroads of life that i am, i'm like the stationary milestone who's watching everyone else rush past,absorbed in their own unimportant lives... 

anyhow, the point is... unhappyness is caused by dissatisfaction. It may be from anything.. dissatisfaction is caused by envy. yup, u heard me ENVY . everyone, atleast the mortals, ( laugh, ppl) are envious of something... their neighbours' bigger car, their friends' glam lifestyle, their boss' hot wife ... u get my point, don't you.  

Now don't get me wrong.... its perfectly natural..and true..for everyone of us...and it is this envy, that makes us do what we do. There is always a point or a position in life that we strive to achieve.... its upto us though, the way we do it.

There are two basic approaches to deal with this yearning...

First, you let the envy get hold of you, to the extent of making you unhappy, so you actively work towards your goal. 

Second, you get unhappy, you stay unhappy ... then you make up your mind that ure never gonna achieve that position anyway, and might as well be happy with the bird in hand. THIS, my friend, should finally push you into a state of stability ( if you're an optimist) or Stagnancy( if you think like a pessimist) ....and thus, you will stop trying to struggle, and force yourself to be happy.

Which one is the better path, i find myself thinking... should i continue to be unhappy, and keep struggling to get there? or should i just be happy and chill?  will it make me stable? or will it push me towards stagnancy?

Think about what you wanna do. Of course, for most of us the choice of the approach is inbuilt. as in its in ur genes, if ur a fighter, or if ur a content individual. A subconscious choice, rather. However, if you're one of the few people who can make an effort and choose, then go ahead . Wish you all the love and luck.

I think i need some love and luck too, while i'm talking about it. 

Did i ever tell you ( the "you" being the hypothetical creatures who read this) that i write to vent out? see, i was so unknowingly disturbed just a few minutes ago, and now i feel much more peaceful.... sleep's starting to set in too... I better say bye now... another day, another thought.

I really hope i have a good time tomorrow. 

mwah, love u mohit (self-support)

shut up, i don't mean it the kinky way!

quickie

[drum roll] .........

[running onto the stage]...

"Hulloooo all you lovely people ... a very good evening to all . Doing well, i hope..no? aah, not a problem, cuz THIS right here is your dose of .....[sound fading away]

aaaah, ive never really said that on stage u know, and somehow I really feel like doing it now!

the times I've been a compere were mostly judged ones... so generally it'd be "good evening bla bla bla..judges"  ... crap.

and i dont even know if there'll be a next time cuz college ended :(   ... mebbe sumwhere, sumtime...

"Aight" so here's the deal...  ive been doing nothing with myself... u heard me right, nothing!!

yeah sure, i'm learning java, I go to the gym(refer to previous entry) ...but that's just 4 freakin hours a day!  and to top it all, i've decided to watch 1 movie a day(some1 has to watch em, right, the poor ppl spend so much money on making em...might as well help out someone )

n the worst part is... i love it!

yup... i'm loving the chilling out feel ....there's this ..umm...tinge, to getting to know yourself better like this..i dunno, u wont understand probly, n i dont expect u to either.

but who cares, i'm having fun! 

however, there's a huuge downside to being idle...  see, when ur working, the only time you get to spend your dough is weekends.  However, when everyday's a weekend, then you have a problem! I definitely feel I'm bad with managing my money......  there it is guys, I said it aloud. 

I can't help it but, I love to spend !

but hey, everyone's allowed to have 1 weakness, right?  ;)

cheers to that!

berozgaar

probly u wudve guessed from the title.. i left my job!!! i dunno , but it feels both wierd and relieving at the same time..... wierd cuz all of a sudden, i have nothing to do, and relieving coz i have nothing to do! after 3 months of slogging my ass out there, i finally have some 'me' time again :D

To start off, i kinda wanted to make a list of the stuff i want (want being the keyword, doesnt necessarily mean that i actually do them) to do... lets see now.... i definitely want to catch up with some reading. I'd bought a couple of bestsellers last month, but just havn't had the time to sit down with 'em ..that time has come.
next in line is the gym. Somehow, all this while i hven't been able to persue the 'path to fitness' in continuation.. something or the other always comes up... lets hope this time's the one.
oh, i also reeeally want to get a tattoo.. i've wanted one for so long now...
Alex n I , who're both without a job aajkal, were thing of going to goa again for a bit... just the experience of the place is amaazing.... last time we guys were there, it was like magic... there's just no place like it..i'm sure those who'v been there will agree..

The events in mumbai last week were immensely depressing for all of us.. and i thought i must mention it... How dare they do such a thing? Do they fucking wanna start the crusades again? I dont't think extremism is going to help their cause, or any cause, for that matter.... Its like a chain reaction u know, an eye for an eye, and then more sightless people...and the crowd begins to grow. I pray to God to give the misguided a sense of direction .. I feel sad for the innocent targets and their families, and i pray for strength to them... It angers me, u know... to think how man is his own greatest enemy. Power and firearms in the wrong hands, and a twisted mind are just dangerous. I hope the global community unites its strengths for the cause of the people. Its always been true hasn't it, throughout civilisation...man has simply never been united. There have always been separate lands, different fiefdoms, my kingdom, your country.... and if people are dying of hunger in somalia, we do empathise, but we still need to have the annual tomato throwing festival , we still have to build lifesize displays made of oranges , we still need to throw away excess corn into the seas cuz there's simply so much, even after consumption , cattlefeed, corn festivals, export... no, why would we simply give it to them? .. something I can't understand. Even if not government-aly, atleast humanitarian-ly, NGO's can act as the SPM and allow this osmosis, from the excess to the deficient, possibly yes?

Coming to lighter topics, I was watching TV and this comedy show comes along...as is the TRP trend aajkal.... have any of you ever noticed how explicitly indecent the jokes are?? Barring a couple of performers, most just visibly try so hard to instill genitalia into their acts... is that like a sureshot way to the audience's applause? I mean sure, a few times, who cares, but EVERY damn line is like this over-tried attempt. But i just shrug and change the channel anyway...

abstract emotion.

One of the most unstable substances in the world , i feel, is human emotion....  it has no defined boundaries, nor does it have a set pattern of reaction to stimulus...  yes, we do classify psychology as study of the human mind and try to categorize emotions... but then again, can it really be done?

I personally don't think so... the fact remains that emotions can run wild, and be as tame as a pet, all at one time....  even with a single person, even though reactions are sometimes recurrant, emotions however are a definite variable.

why? is what i'd like to ask... why is it that we feel and emote in the way we do? would it have made things easier and life more defined if emotions,in their known form, were absent? not really is the answer that comes out...far from making our lives more defined, a lack of emotion would have made it confined instead.... like those of ants ...of course, it just may be that their emotions are plainly different from ours....  un-understandable...  like another metric system ;)

But yes, as someone put it, the mere existance of emotions and our capability to feel them is both, a boon and a bane . Why, this is what makes us who we are, doesn't it? Yup... to the unfamiliar eye, we are what our outer appearance tells them....  but when we develop personal familiarity, its how we emote ( to a great extent) that defines us.

Emotions are a different element, totally in their own league. They just cannot be defined... nor can they be accurately predicted ( what can be predicted is a reaction, not an emotion ) . That's what sets them apart...that's what fuels the intellectual evolution of our race .... that's what makes us... HUMAN.

the novelist??

OH MY GOD !! I did NOT see this one coming... this time to that girl's gone over the edge... poor thing, i wish the best for her (for me too, while i'm at it )....in the meanwhile i'm also thinking of starting an alternate career as a novelist with my first book titled "My psychotic ex girlfriend" ;)
Anyhow, there comes a time in everyone's life when you can look back at what happened... and either laugh or scream out.... thankfully, i don't want to do the latter
This week was definitely one of the wierdest... and i actually was disturbed for a couple of days ( i can't believe i still let myself get worried over this oh-so-over-stretched "ykt" issue ...no more!) ... but April's point of view really made sense....its encouraging to know sumone you can turn to for logical answers to the wierdest of questions :D
n yeah, unlike my "killer" friend Alex, with me to its "Bachna Ae Hasino" upside down .... in case u haven't seen the flick, its got fun-fun-love , in that order... mere saath to u can reverse the order and u've got my story!

its funny u know, like all the times in college when my gang would be upto mischief ... i'd be the silent spectator....but still the warden would point the torchlight at me and say "Mohit , idhar aao !" yea, i dont know if its a boon or a bane, but i almost always get the limelight when people are to be pointed at....

thinking about it, i don't really remember why i wanted to write today .... i guess it just sorts me out... even if my readership's down in the dumps.... maybe i should add more glamour to this blog...atleast my guy friends would visit ... ha!
till the next impulse ... mwaah

PS: I know that none of the above has any trace of coherence whatsoever... but that's just me :P

And all that Jazz !

Hope all you guys had an amaaazing Diwali !!!!!

First, I have a confession to make .... I was a hypocrite this Diwali... for so many years now, ive been religiously following the "No crackers" campaign ... trying to do my part in protecting our environment.... but in a "moment of weakness" i shamefully admit that i did crackers this time ( head hanging down ) ... hey, stop grinning, #@$ ... it takes guts to admit your mistakes, remember !! when was the last time you publically confessed that you are a huuge fan of The Spicegirls ? yea, I just know...

So.....I decided to finally sit down and write... finally ... the diwali spirit was really not letting me do that! Although, i have to admit this Diwali really was great... for a host of intermingled reasons..
For starters, last year's "tensions" aren't that prevelant... time really does heal ;) ... apart from that, ive been out of town for work for the last couple of weeks... so i was just happy to be home !! and the other 2 reasons are because of 25th october, '08

25th october ???????  Isnt that what you'd think? its amazing how most of ur days go by without much happening, on the edge of being called drab even...and when things actually start to stir, everything seems to happen at once! ever felt that?
ok,so 25th.. the day was a definite biggie for me cuz it brought along two big "jhatkas", well in the good sense.... both professionally and personally...
Professionally, i got a call from my boss and he told me ive been promoted from my contract to a permanent company payroll ... and that after people had given me the impression that you're lucky if that happens even after 6 months of your contract... n ive been here for just two ! ( siiiiigh, i really am modest )
Personally... "ykt" ( u gotta know who that is, if u know me that well) called... out of the blue! how wierd is that? people just mushroom up when u stop expecting them to.... nehow, yes, i was pleased with the call, no doubt.... but skepticism was definitely on the fore ...
cuz oddly, after so long, i found myself with a dearth of grief inside....
but yes, i'm worried about where ykt is right now... i really am.... its like ur in a metro, u don't know anyone, u dont have a cellphone and i dont know if ur safe. and thats scary, from a humanitarian point of view...
i'm also kind of fed-up now... ykt, how long do u expect me to care? cuz ive made up my mind that there are only TWO explanations....
either
1) you're the queen of tragedies...literally...all the bad in the world affects you, and you only...and that's just really sad, if its right.
or
2) You're actually a SADIST.

Moving on to other things...
I'll tell you about ..ummmmm, lets call her Kim ... hahaha, ure gonna love the nic , "Kim" :P ..... so Kim n I have been talking a lot lately, and i thought i should mention her.... the nice part is that she's among the people who bring out my loquacious side...and that's just fun!
Ok, now kim has 2 really bugging habits... first that she calls everyone "bhaiya" which makes me feel OLD ..lol... second, she uses the word " jazz" a lot .... seriously , its funny! the usage of jazz, however, is highly subjective to personal whims ... it can be used as a substitute for a whole lot of words ... Let me illustrate :
Cool :                   " That guy's jazz "
Hot:                     " Woah,  jazzy..."
Happening :         " Jazz place"
Fun :                    " Let's talk about sumthing jazzy "

Fracas:                " That's some jazz we've got here"

hahaha... cute, isn't it ? Absolutely...JAZZY..or sumthing like that ! 

absentee

true, wierd title for the post. but it kinda explains my whereabouts this past month... ive been an absentee!! yup, ive been missing out on a lot of things i was getting really used to... blogging, for instance . also lying around aimlessly , and general vella-panti ... sigh, those were the days..

its a problem thats gripped this year's engineering passouts gravely. the friggin software companies are simply not letting us in!!! consider my case. i got a campus placement with wipro and got a joining date of march '09 . wow... what exactly is it that we're supposed to do all this while? its a similar case with most of the major software firms...
there was an article in the paper today that stated students believe this postponed joining to be because of the global economy slump, but the software firms have attributed it to the large number of recruits that they're supposed to accomodate. so its just taking sum time. thats the reason why the programming section of my brain is still in suspended construction ;)

anywho... like ive been telling a lot of people, after lazing around for almost 3 months ( possibly the best ever ?!! ) i sadly decided to get off my ass and do something.. and thats how ive landed up working in this other firm. and believe you me, its a tough job... i mean, ive been regularly working the night shift, 13 hours a day for the past month, even on weekends!! to the extent that there's a part of me that actually misses the lazy mohit...
scene 1: wake up in the morning, read the paper till lunch , watch TV or read a book till the evening, go out, return for dinner, turn on the lappy and log on till i'd fall asleep
scene 2 : wake up at 6.30 in the eve, get ready n have dinner, go to work, come back to the hotel at 10 in the morning, bathe n have breakfast, sleep till 6.30 . n voila, we have scene 2 all over again.

but then again, the 13 hours that i'm working, i actually get absorbed totally... its like dope u know, work i mean.... work is like dope... it gets you high once it dissolves in ur bloodstream, and then all u think about is the dope ( which in this case is the work)
naaice.. so we've reached another of those 'moral of the story' ... work is like dope .... thinking more along the line,u know ur screwed when the billboard in ur mind lights up saying " dope is like work " ...cuz that would just squeeze all the fun out .

chalo then... till next time .... "up up and awaaaayyyyyy " .... (cape fluttering in the wind )